Happy Passover.

This evening, upon sitting on the couch with my mother while she watched Judge Judy, we realized that tonight starts Passover. We are Jews, and so we figured we should probably be doing a seder. So I went into the dining room and I looked around on the shelves and I dug out our copies of the Haggadot. Then, I went to the pantry and took out some chocolate-covered matzoh, and I took it back to the couch.

ME: Mom, close your eyes! I'm going to hide the Afikomen!!

MOM: Okay.

ME: Mom, you have to close your eyes.

MOM: Okay.

So I hid it underneath the blanket that was folded quite nicely on the top of the back of the couch behind where I was sitting.

Nextly, we moved on to... THE FOUR QUESTIONS.

ME: [flips through Haggadot, looking for the four questions] OKAYokayokayokayokay, here we go. On all other nights we eat either bread or matzoh. Why is it that on this night we only eat Matzoh?

MOM: To remember how the Jews couldn't make bread when they were leaving Egypt.

ME: Good. Okay. On all other nights we eat all kinds of vegetables. Why is it that on this night we only eat [insert Hebrew word for horse raddish]?

MOM: To remember the pain.

ME: On all other nights we do not have to dip our vegetables but once. Why is it that on this night we must dip them twice?

MOM: To remember the salt in the tears.

ME: On all other nights we simply sit. Why is it that on this night we recline on cushions?

MOM: Because it's over.

ME: WOOH! LET'S FIND THE AFIKOMEN!

She ripped the blanket off the couch and--

MOM: You got the coated stuff?!

ME: Yeah. It was in the pantry.

Then we ate some matzoh.

MOM: It's not the best chocolate I've ever had.

ME: It's not the best matzah I've ever had.

MOM: True!

Deciding our ceremony was just about over, I began The Song.

ME: DAY DAYENU! DAY DAYENU! DAY DAYENU! DAYENUDAYENUDAYENU DAY DAYENU! DAY DAYENU! DAY DAYENU! DAYENUDAYENUDAYENU-- COME ON, MOM, SING ALONG!

Her rendition of the song was something like...

MOM: Day dayenu. Day dayenu. Day dayenu. Dayenudayenu. OKAY, WE'RE DONE.

So then I came back to the computer because Passover Seder Super-Reform-Style was supposedly done, but then I remembered...

THE GRAPE JUICE.

ME: MOM, WE FORGOT TO DRINK GRAPE JUICE.

MOM: Okay, there's some on the table if you really want it.

So I went into the kitchen and I got two glasses and I filled them up with grape juice and then I brought them back to the couch.

MOM: Oh, no, wait, we're not going to have to recite all the plagues, are we?

ME: Oh, yes, we are. Okay. Uhhh... Locusts.

MOM: Uhh... uhh... uhhh... 40 days and 40 nights? No, wait, that's a different story.

ME: Yeah. Uh, Plague of the First Born.

MOM: That was, like, number ten, wasn't it?

ME: It has to go in order?

I had already put away the Haggadot and didn't want to get it back out, so we just rattled off a few more ("Illness, sickness, death! Uhh, darkness! Frogs!") and then clinked our glasses, said something in Hebrew I don't know how to spell but it means, "To life!" and we drank our juice.

ME: It was nice doing Passover with you! Let's do this again next year.

MOM: Yeah.