Sunday, February 13, 2011

What to Do on Valentine's Day If You Don't Have Anything to Do

I guess this year I'll be joining the population of the world who doesn't actually spend Valentine's Day kissing off his/her face in a wave of passion. I don't think I've ever taken part in that festive activity. But that's okay, because I won't be alone! You see, it was somebody's stupid idea to not synchronize the February Breaks of all the schools in the world, or at least the country, and so I don't get to spend my day off frolicking down the snowy streets. But I'm not here to complain at you! I'm here to list things that we can all do to make ourselves feel better about not having anything love-filled and smushy-lovey-gooy to do tomorrow.

One: Eat chocolate. Eat one piece of chocolate for every thought of your crush/lover. [Size of pieces may have to vary for health reasons.] Did you know that the human brain expresses more pleasure when eating chocolate than when kissing? I saw it on television. So while everybody else is off kissing behind a waterfall while the sun sets, freezing off their bare butts, you can say, "Hah. I'm happier than you are. I have chocolate in my system. Hah." They probably won't hear you from behind the rushing water or the loud sexy-music they may be playing at home while they lie together on the couch, but you won't hear them either because you will be moaning your own beautiful song that goes:
I'm eating chocolate
And I feel freaking fantastic
And I am feeling more pleasure than you are
Because it's all scientific
And I'm a freaking scientist!

Two: Play with stickers! Don't have any stickers? Fix that. Go to the department store or the craft store right now and get some stickers before finishing reading this. Or don't. It's your choice, really.
Okay, now that you have your stickers, survey the stickers you have brought home. Did you grab the sparkly red heart ones, to stay in the theme of the holiday? Did you grab the puffy giraffe-and-other-cool-animal ones, to show your non-Valentine's Day pride? Did you grab the dinosaurs because you didn't give a cracker what else was there because dinosaurs are just awesome and you needed something and you figured that the most awesome thing would do the job just right? Or did you get "basic shapes?" I love those ones. I used them on a card yesterday. They're rainbow.
Next, select the stickers you would like to use.
Final step: Stick those stickers all. over. everything. Or, if you don't live alone or you're in a place where if you do anything to the walls your landlord will destroy you, put them all over everything where it wouldn't be a permanent fixture, depending on whether you want to make your landlord or housemates angry with you. This project should take lots of deep, educated thought and you should try to make a game out of it, if possible. Let's see how many basic geometric shapes I can get onto the refrigerator! Let's see how many giraffes I can fit on the back of my calculator! Oh! Oh! Oh! Elephants on the oven? I think so. Enjoy yourself. [Activity should last no longer than 3-4 hours.]

Three: Get out your camera because you are going on a creeping expedition. I dare you. I've done it. It wasn't on Valentine's Day, but my friend and I went on a trip to Central Park to take pictures, and ended up just-- you guessed it --taking pictures of all the couples we saw. While this might make you sad and want to go run across the world to your lover, it also might make you start rolling on the ground, saying, "It's too much! It's too cute!" This activity may also lead to, if you are not careful to be discreet, embarrassed or angry couples coming up and asking you to delete the pictures you took.
WARNING: DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, go up to the couples and ask if they want you to take their picture. The point of the game is to catch them being adorable.
If you think that this activity would make you too sad, just don't do it! There are lots of other things you can do.
So, if you are doing it, head out with your camera to a spot where you think there would be a lot of babies (Confused by what "babies" means in this context? Click here.) strolling about and being all cute. Pull out your camera. Get a good angle for looking at them. Pretend to be taking a picture of something else, if they might be able to see you. Take the picture(s). Move on.
Pro tip: You have to be quick when taking pictures of babies. This is because they are not posing for you, but rather sharing a romantic moment. So, keep taking a bit of a RADAR sweep of the area, every minute or so, but DO NOT look conspicuous. A good idea is to keep moving around. Have a story for if someone asks what you're doing. Bring a friend so you don't look as though you're waiting for someone and being stood up.
If you do this, please feel free to post your pictures somewhere, and comment with a link to your photos! I'd love to see that somebody is doing this.
Note: When posting your pictures on a website, it is a good idea to include a short explanation that you don't know who these people are (or maybe you do, but if you don't...) and if the person seeing the picture is in the picture and wishes for it to be taken down and is offended or something, then you will take it down.
Websites I suggest using are Deviant Art and Flickr.
Example: Click here! Haha, these two were actually posing for somebody else who was taking pictures of them... I couldn't help take a quality shot of that, since I knew they'd be posed for a while while somebody takes the real picture. So, yeah, that's the idea!

Four: Write a gushy romance story that's (well, it's more fun to do it this way) awful on purpose. Make the details so sappy that it's no longer romantic and sweet.
Example: Marianita and I were enjoying our favorite snack (cheesecake and red wine) when her "friend" Bretstein burst through the door. Oh, how I hated that man. He was just looking to steal Marianita from me. Oh, but I knew that Marianita was my ladylover, and not his bisexual girlfriend. But, against my will, he swept Marianita into a boa constrictor-like hug, opening his mouth so wide over hers that I thought the poem by Shel Silverstein would come true-- the one about the boa constrictor.
Just make the story suck as much as possible, and you've got hours of endless sappy fun. You can post your stories on other sites and comment with a link, for this one, too.

Hopefully these activities will keep you busy for the duration of Valentine's Day, my fellow spending-the-day-without-our-crushes/lovers! And, if you get bored, maybe you'll come up with your own ideas! Good fun! Good luck! And happy Valentine's Day (or, for the people who'd rather not call it that, Single Appreciation Day).

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